First Fruits Friday - Bearing our Crosses
Last week we shared a reflection about being intentional with our faith while raising children and modeling that same intentionality for their faith development. This week, I’d like to share with you about my disabled son and how my woundedness brought me to seek acceptance, healing, and forgiveness in Jesus Christ through my son’s weakness.
This reflection will be written from a Christian lens with the perspective that we have all been affected by original sin. By that I mean the action that occurred during the Fall in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3). Original sin has made us susceptible to the temptation of sin, no matter how large or small, in our lives. Satan, the father of lies, is looking for every opportunity to hurt us and our relationships with Jesus, our family, friends - practically anyone and everyone. With that in mind it is important for us to understand that even as Baptized Christians we fall into the temptation of sin.
Because of the fall, we are all tempted as a part of the human condition in this life. When we fall into sin, our actions and choices create wounds that harm us and our relationships. We don’t have to look far to see temptations (sin/woundedness) in our own lives. Selfishness, instant gratification, gluttony, laziness, and my personal own struggle, pride. We each have our personal wounds that affect us differently. These are our “crosses to bear.”
When we take the time to examine our consciousness, we come to realize how truly weak we are. Without the grace of God, we are helpless. When I think of helplessness, I think of my 21-year-old son, Xavier. Xavier was born in what appeared to be a normal delivery with no complications during my pregnancy. Xavier was healthy and happy. As he was my first born, I did not really know what to expect, but when he was around 5 months old, I noticed he wasn’t hitting his developmental milestones. He wasn’t cooing, rolling from side to side, nor did he have the strength to sit up independently.
These behaviors seemed odd so my husband and I set up a developmental evaluation. We were not sure what to expect, but when we arrived at the evaluation and saw about 12 people in the room, my heart sank. I just knew this was not a good sign. I thought to myself, something must be really wrong for there to be 12 people here to help us. Immediately, I got into self-protection mode and wanted to go hide in a cave with my son and never come out. Fear got the best of me and I was paralyzed, not wanting to move forward spiritually, emotionally, or relationally. For several years I became stuck. In that evaluation we discovered that Xavier might, among other things, have a seizure disorder. Later we came to understand that he had a severe diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy (hypertonic muscle disorder), Epilepsy (incurable seizure disorder), Autism (sensory processing and communication disorder), and Scoliosis (curvature of the spine). Unless God wants us to receive a miracle cure, these diagnoses require a lifetime of care, medication, and treatment.
Now my cross to bear was not just my own sin, but the effects of original sin on my innocent and helpless child. Boy, was I angry. Angry at God, angry at the world, angry at myself. This anger led to many selfish decisions and these selfish decisions led to a self-destructive lifestyle.
It was a miserable existence living in that anger and self-destruction. I was heaping wound upon wound and was miserable all the while. What did I learn? The path of selfishness can only lead to self-destruction. In the depths of my despair, I turned to God. I learned when I take the time to pray, read the bible, listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, I realize God only wants our benefit and welfare. His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55). I’ve learned that the hard way and the one who still teaches me this philosophy is Xavier. Xavier did not ask to be born permanently disabled. He did not ask to require a lifetime of being in diapers, or having to be catheterized to urinate, or to take 10 different medications just to get through a day without a seizure. No, he was born with the effects of original sin and the original wounds because of the fall of man. However in the eyes of our creator, Xavier was born perfect.
To those who are of the world, Xavier is a drain on society. He will never work; he will never contribute to society; he will always need help; he will always be dependent on others. In many pregnancies, unborn children like Xavier would have been aborted. Does his ability to contribute to society indicate his value? Does his life of dependance make him less worthy of being treated with dignity or respect? NO!!
Xavier was made in the image and likeness of God. His body on earth is broken and disabled, but in heaven he will have no disability, he will have no wheelchair, he will be perfect. Sometimes in my prayer, I imagine Xavier and our family with Jesus in Heaven. We are celebrating together the beauty of what God has created. We are all happy!
I have come to know that this time on earth is a test. God is testing our faithfulness to Him, like He did with Job. He is our creator and He has a plan. God has a plan for every one of us, our children, planned or unplanned, able bodied or disabled, God has a purpose for each one of us! I take this knowledge as a grace. It has been acquired through much healing from my wounds over time. In humility, the only way I have been able to get to this point in my life has been because of the abundance of God’s mercy and grace.
Intentionally seeking out forgiveness and reconciliation opportunities through spiritual growth like prayer, attending healing retreats like Rachel’s Vineyard, and other life group opportunities, has allowed me to heal from the wounds of my sin while in humility asking for Jesus’ forgiveness and mercy on a regular basis. As we get closer to the birth of our Lord, I pray that each of us can take some intentional steps towards healing and forgiveness, allowing his abundance of mercy and grace to penetrate our wounds, and bringing about an abundance of forgiveness in our lives! I am so thankful to be part of a Christian ministry family that allows me to continue to strive for a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ! Know of my prayers for all mothers and children who are suffering as we bear our crosses together.